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The Audacity of Dope

Tue, 08 Dec 2009 04:08:43 +0100

Seldomly had I seen such arrogance. Dope had the audacity to think that I was his property. The drug tried to convince me that I was his slave. That I was no longer free to exercise free will. For years he dragged me through the streets and put me on display like a street performer hustling for loose change. But it wasn't all his fault. I gave him permission to do it. In fact, I encouraged him to help me to wreck my life.

One day I asked God to help me take back my life. I had grown weary of the vice like grip that the drug claimed over me. God's answer was yes and I have not looked back since. I know that it is imposible to move forward while looking in my rear view mirror. And I know that life for me will be good if I keep coming back. Happy Holidays

Thanks given

Thu, 26 Nov 2009 06:09:52 +0100

Mr. Green loved his wife. So much so that he would shower her gifts and take her out to dinner several days a month; just because. They lived in a beautiful home and had very expensive cars. For the past twenty years, Mr. Green worked as a vice president of a major bank and was up for a promotion.

On this day, Green reported to work and found an email from the bank's president requesting a meeting at 11:00 AM. Green was excited and anticipated his boss offering him a raise and promotion. Instead, Green was notified that he would not be getting the position.

Disapointed, Green sat at his desk in his office. He felt that his life had been a lie and thought that he would grow old in his current position without advancing any further. The more he thought of his plight, the more depressed he became. Green compared his life to others that had achieved more in life than he and his depression continued. He dreaded telling his wife the news, thinking that she would be disapointed in him.

Green finally left his office, took the elevator to the ground leval and walked out the front door of this high rise complex. Instead of walking to his car, Green decided to walk to a tavern for a beer.

On the way he crossed a homeless man pushing a shopping cart that seemed to contain all of his possesions. The homeless man wore a perpetual smile on his face and looked at the clouds continually. Green walked up to the homeless man and asked him why he was smiling and looking up. The homeless man said, "Sir, God has been so good to me. He has blessed me with this cart so that I don't have to carry my stuff on my back. I just left the soup kitchen so my belly is full. My dog licked me right on my lips, and I have shelter from the elements tonight. What more can a man ask for.

Green's attitude quickly improved. If this man with relatively few possesions could be happy with his lot in life, what right have I to complain.

It doesn't matter what going on in my life. Things are as they should be. God has put us right where we are for a reason that only He knows. So when we complain about minor things, we must remember that they are just that. Minor things. Distractions are things we see when we take our eyes off our goals. Have a Happy Thanksgiving.

Recovery Books

Tue, 24 Nov 2009 22:57:33 +0100

Someone once told me that if I'm not working on my recovery, I'm working on my relapse. I find that one of the best ways for me to work on my recovery is to read about how others have recovered. The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous and the Basic Text of Narcotics Anonymous are obvious winners and top my reading list. They both are inspirational and motivational and a great way for me to kick off my day with an attitude of gratitude. My requirements for other books that I read are that they are positive, factual, spiratual, and don't engage in gratifying the lifestyle that I have grown to dispise. I am aware of the fact that you are what you eat. I also believe that you are what you read. Garbage in, garbage out.

My inner adict

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 02:38:18 +0100

Today I realize that my inner addict is always working against me. Without clueing me in to what he was thinking, my inner addict is planning and plotting ways to undermine my sobriety. I have grown to recognize the signs, though they are subtle.

His rise to dominance begins in ways that are barely noticeable at first. My addict did things like forcing me to remember the “good times” that I had getting loaded and ignoring the disasters. He encouraged me to drive through the old neighborhood for no good reason or to show old addict “friends” that I have gained a few pounds. He suggested that I should stop doing the things that I did to get sober in the first place. I gave the addict power by “glorifying” the drug or drink when involved in conversation with sober friends.

I have a disease that is triggered by my own thinking. Just as a person trying to avoid the flu has to distance himself from people that cough and sneeze, an addict has to distance himself from poisonous thoughts. Just as a person tries to avoid HIV by not participating in unsafe sex, an addict must at all cost avoid unsafe thinking.

Tween a Rock and a Hard Place

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 19:58:41 +0100

Being forced into hard places gives us a whole new perspective on life. Things we once valued no longer hold the same value. Small things become big things, and what we once thought big no longer holds such importance.

These hard places allow us to identify with the sufferings of others. It keeps us from having a shallow view of the hardships of others and allows us to truly identify with them. Those who speak of such trials from no experience often judge others who have had such hardship. It is a superficiality of Christian experience that often permeates shallow believers.

Those who have walked in hard places immediately have a kinship with others who have walked there also. They do not need to explain; they merely look at one another with mutual respect and admiration for their common experience. They know that death has worked a special thing in them. This death leads to life in others because of the hard places God has taken them through.

It is impossible to appreciate any valley experience while you are in it. However, once you have reached the top of the mountain, you are able to appreciate what terrain you have passed through. You marvel at what you were able to walk through. The valley of the shadow of death has yielded more than you ever thought possible. You are able to appreciate the beauty of the experience and lay aside the sorrow and pain it may have produced.

Death works in you for a greater purpose. If you are there today, be assured that God is producing something of much greater value than you will ever know.

Cocaine Lied to Me

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 04:59:40 +0100

I was in my apartment when my dinner was interupted by a knock at the door. I opened it a found a pretty woman That I barely knew standing there. I invited her in and after a brief conversation my attractive friend told me that she wanted me to meet a friend of hers. Suddenly and out of nowhere appeared her friend. Her friend was a small white rock that said nothing at first. She just sat on my coffee table staring at me. My "friend" told me that the white substance's given name was crack, but that she perferred the name Smokey White Devil. After a few minutes of trying to convince this female that I had no interest in carrying on a conversation with Smokey, I finally consented to a casual conversation. My female friend placed Smokey on a glas apparatus, placed it in my mouth and ignited it. Smokey then began to speak. Smokey said the she was the thing I had been looking for all my life and it was going to make me very happy. Smokey said that she would always be with me and she convinced me that I could not live without her. I believed her. I thought that nothing that felt that good could be a lie. I allowed Smokey to drag my silly ass through the streets for many years and even after I realized that all her promises were a lie, I still went along with her falsehoods because I was a slave to her desires. Smokey told me that she was a very jealous woman and that I could have no other and like a puppet on a string, I submitted to her whims.

One day an aquaintance took me to a twelve step meeting where I met many that were once slaves of Smokey. They told me that my relationship with Smokey was disfunctional and non sustainable. Thet convinced me that a better life awaited me. The told me that Smokey is a liar.

Now my life is very different. Smokey is no longer a part of my life. Every time Smokey calls I let her call go to voicemail and I never call her back. When I find myself in areas Smokey used to frequent, I handle my business and get the hell out of there. I don't give Smokey the chance to wiggle back into my life. Today, Smokey is dead to me. If she wasn't she would be death to me. The is no room in my life for that smokey white devil

Anti-Addiction Drug

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 02:52:39 +0100

The following article appeared in the magazine Science Digest:
Neuropharmacologists ran clinical trials to find that a drug called topiramate is an effective therapeutic medication for decreasing heavy drinking and diminishing the physical and psychosocial harm caused by alcohol dependence. The drug works by blocking the right amount of the feel good effects of alcohol (brought on by increased levels of dopamine), making drinking less enjoyable and thus reducing cravings and helping to stop heavy drinking. Topiramate was also found to lower blood pressure and cholesterol levels which may lead to a decrease in heart disease in alcohol dependent patients

Recovery Books

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 00:24:43 +0100

Someone once said that a man that knows everything knows that he knows nothing at all. I keep that in mind when I get so confident in my recovery that I fail to take action to reinforce it. I have to remember that when I am sober, my disease is doing push-ups in my brain. So I do things like go to meetings and attent support groups, talk to other addicts, and read, read, read. Someone once told me, garbage in, garbage out. So I have to be careful what information I put in my head. All NA and AA stuff is good. I also read books written by other recovering addicts. I learn alot from their experiences. Personally (no surprise) I recommend The Dopeless Hope Fiend. I hear that it's a very good book :-) Tell me what you think

Sobriety vs Recovery

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 23:57:05 +0100

Welcome to the Hope Fiend Blogspot. The Dopeless Hope Fiend chronicles my journey to recovery. It wasn't easy to write. With each page, I relived the insanity, pain and heart break that I spent so many years accumulating. Some days, after sitting at my computer terminal for several hours I remember being mentally exhausted. I felt as if I had just finished running an emotional marathon. It was almost as if I were walking down a metaphoric alley and someone beat the crap out of me with a baseball bat. When the manuscript was complete, I sat back in my chair and took a deep breath before a big sigh of relief. I contemplated what I had written, what I had to go through to get to this point in my life an thought how great it felt to be in recovery.

In retrospect, I realize that I had been sober at different times in my life but had never been in recovery. It's relatively easy to attain sobriety. That's all I had to do is stop drinking and drugging. But to recover, not only do I have to stop using, but I have to deal with the underlying reasons that I started using in the first.

Abusing drugs is only a symptom of my disease so I have to deal with the character defects and personality flaws in my life. I have to examine the root causes of my desire to start using in the first place. This life long quest requires work. Who knows, it may even make me a better person. I am a work in progress and it's an inside job. Let me know how you feel about this topic.